Holding on while things seems to be falling apart

I’ve been blogging about my recovery from my aneurysm and stroke. Most of it’s been a motivating and inspiring journey. I survived three surgeries, and woke up from a three and a half week coma. Many people come out to support me, and prayed for my speedy recovery. My family showered me with their love and support. The executive search firm I worked for has been most gracious and supportive. I will never forget the role they played in getting me to the hospital, and making sure I had the support of my friends and co workers until my family could get there to be with me. And, now I’m beginning to make plans to move on, and prepare for the rest of my life.

Medically, I feel fine. But, I’m overwhelmed by what to do next. I’ve gained a lot, in surviving the ordeal. I have my life to live, and therefore nothing is more valuable than that. Also, I believe as long as I am walking, talking, and thinking --I have some influence over the way my life turns out… However, I’m afraid I don’t have all the answers to fix things as I move forward. I’m not prepared to give up because I am a fighter, but it’s quite a fight that I’m in for.

I wasn’t aware of the fact that I had an aneurysm that could potentially rupture, or what the results of that condition could be. Therefore, I don’t know if the mess I’ve made of my life is a result of the attack on my brain form the ballooning of the artery prior to the rupture or not (or how long this condition was happening to me). It would explain how I allowed for some of the poor choices, I’ve made leading up to the hospital stay – and how I let things get so out of order in the first place. Its hard to know...

Now, that I’ve had the surgery, gone through the five months of therapy and seem to have fully recovered, my life is in total disarray and I’m wondering how it got this way, in the first place? I missed the deadline at work, to submit my application for medical insurance, and found out after the fact that I was not insured -- after being admitted to the hospital. (It took some time to determine that I didn’t have coverage so by the grace of God, I received the best possible care from Emory Hospital in the interim.) I've been able to purchase private insurance, to help pay for some of my continuing care, but its costly and doesn't cover everything.

God has been working in my favor all this time because I’m definitely being carried, still. The hope and optimism that I have is evident of that. Yet, that human component is full of fear and uncertainty about my future. I’m going to New York to stay with a friend, while I attempt to pick up the pieces of my life and I’ve secured a part time job at a real estate company -- showing apartments, and doing administrative work in the office while I network with old contacts about finding more permanent work. (I have lost my job at the executive search firm because of the circumstances, coupled by the economy and job market.) Therefore, I have to secure another job with medical benefits that will help me continue to pay for future doctor's visits.

I’ve applied for social security disability insurance, back in January. I’m still waiting for their decision, and I have to hold on until then. After, they make their decision, I’ll either be approved or I’ll have to appeal before a judge. Either way, I’m confident about the outcome. This is important because, I’ll have a better handle on my finances, and what kind of position I should be applying for going forward. I will be able to work, and still collect SSDI, but there will be stipulations (interms of how many hours I can work). Although, the unemployment rate is high everywhere, I think New York will afford me more opportunities.

So, off I go… I don’t know what’s in store for me there. But, I have my faith, hope and optimism, plus lots of contacts, along with my incredible, compelling survival story for a book. Please continue to pray for me. With God on my side, I'll be able to accomplish the impossible.